Senin, 29 Februari 2016

Adult hot 29. - lookmybody - lookmybody

Stop living as a nomad in your own skin.
Do not look so hatefully upon the temple that houses your beautiful soul.
Stop trying to escape your body by tearing it apart.

Your wrist is not a portal to a better world, so stop trying to open it.

Stop super-gluing yourself together at the seams.
It’s probably better if you leave the cracks open to let the sun shine in.

It’s too cold and cloudy in that little heart of yours.

Let your beautiful, twisted body be full and free.

-J

©

Minggu, 28 Februari 2016

Adult hot 28. - lookmybody - lookmybody

I like dying my hair a deep mahogany red.
It makes me stand out, and hints at a bright personality that I’m still trying to fit into.
It’s a great conversation starter –
People will stop me in the streets to tell me how much they love the colour of my hair.

What I like most about dying my hair red is covering my old growth,
And watching my dark curly roots slowly twist their way out of my scalp.
It’s as if my hair is telling me,
“No matter how hard you try, you can never erase the loveliest parts of yourself.”


In time, who you really are will always reveal itself.

-J

©

Sabtu, 27 Februari 2016

Adult hot 27. - lookmybody - lookmybody

I used to tell the truth when people asked me how I was feeling.
I saw no more shame in telling someone I was tired, sad, angry, lonely,
Than I saw in telling them I was happy, excited, or head over heels over the moon.

When do we lose the ability to tell the truth?
When do we learn that it is more important to pretend to be happy,

Than to be truthful with ourselves?

-J

©

Jumat, 26 Februari 2016

Adult hot 26. - lookmybody - lookmybody

I prefer to watch the sunrise.
Not because I’m a morning person,
But because it’s a reminder:

Nothing stays dark forever.

-J

©

Kamis, 25 Februari 2016

Adult hot Twenty-Five. - lookmybody - lookmybody

When I was a kid I wanted to be a dancer, or a singer.  Or both.
I never did try.
I told myself it was because it was a lot of work, but that wasn’t really the truth.
It was because I was scared of rejection,
Scared of the Simon Cowells of the world, who would tell me I wasn’t good enough.
Scared that my parents would tell me no.
Scared that my friends would laugh at me – and I had so few friends that I couldn’t afford that.
I wish I hadn’t been so scared to try, even if I had failed.
At the very least, it would have made a killer story.
Or it would have been a total shot to my self-esteem.
But, like Shakespeare says, it’s better to have tried and failed, than never to have tried at all.
Right?

I’m too old now to become a dancer, and I’m no longer interested in being a singer.
But I have these words.
I’m sharing them in memory of the little girl who could, but didn’t.
I want to make her proud, from whatever parallel universe she’s watching me from.
I want her to know that because she didn’t live her dream, I’m inspired to live mine.

Here’s to the little one in all of us,
Who didn’t get the chance to live their dream.
Maybe because we were too scared,
Or too shy,
Or not smart enough,
Tall enough,
Fast enough,
Strong enough,
Talented enough,
Fearless enough.
Enough is enough.
May we remember that we owe it to them to live now while we have the chance.
May we put on our grown-up pants and march fearlessly towards our goals,
(Or at least pretend that we’re fearless.)
May we never let anyone or anything hold us back from driving towards the landmark of our dreams,
Knowing that it’s not about how fast we get there,
It’s just about getting there.


‘Failure’ doesn’t apply to those who reach the finish line.

-J

©

Rabu, 24 Februari 2016

Adult hot 24. - lookmybody - lookmybody

I have this really bad habit of overdoing things.
Like the time that I learned to bake apple-cinnamon muffins.
I baked them twice a week because I was scared that I would forget how.
(I didn’t.)

Or when I saw my favourite shirt on sale, I bought it in every colour “just in case”.
I don’t even like sky blue.  Or burnt orange.
And then there was that time that I bought 13 bottles of shampoo on sale for $3.49.
For some reason I was really worried that I would run out of shampoo.
I had to hide those from my mom or else she’d tell me I was crazy.

The trouble is, I don’t know when enough is enough.
Actually that’s not true – I do.
But try explaining ‘enough’ to the voice inside my head that says “keep going, keep going, just once more, now another”.
It’s like, if I don’t overdo it, then somehow I’m not enough.

… I guess the trouble is, I don’t know when I’m enough.

-J

©

Selasa, 23 Februari 2016

Adult hot Photographs of My One Year Curly Journey! - lookmybody - lookmybody

This post is extremely late, but I wanted to share my natural hair progress with you all!  I've been completely natural for about 18 months now, and the growth is amazing!!  I can't want to share some more recent pics with you all, but for now let me backtrack and show you pictures of my first year of being natural :)

  Let's start with the before:

June 2014


A little snip snip in August 2014

A little snip in August 2014
And we're natural!!

 September 2014

 October 2014

October 2014
 ... in the thick of grad school :(

October 2014

December 2014


December 2014 - My 22nd Birthday :)

Winter 2015, post hair wash

Winter 2015

February 2015

February 2015


March 2015

March 2015 - Pre-wash, so my hair was very fluffy!

Winter 2015 ... This was right before I washed my hair!


February 2015 - right after washing & stretching my hair :)

February 2015 ... check out that shrinkage!

Summer 2015

Curls! Summer 2015
One year Natural!  Length check - Armpit length :)

September 2015 - into my second year of being natural.
I hope this post brought you some inspiration and motivation!  One year seems like a long time, but look how much my hair grew in that year!  I retained about 5.5 inches of length (though I did not get exact measurements), and my hair is healthier and curlier!  Most importantly, I'm happy that I took this step to self-acceptance.  My first year being natural was an absolute blast, and I look forward to many more.

Cheers to happiness in our most natural forms,

xoxo, Jayy

Adult hot 23. - lookmybody - lookmybody

Before I met you, I did not believe in giving people second chances.
But then I saw you, with your wild eyes, wild hair, soft heart.
I was drawn to your gentle words, dark moods, sweet promises.
I fell for everything about you.

I let you into the mangled mess of my heart,
I let you sift your way through the rubble.
Somehow, you always managed to find the treasure in another man’s trash.
I shared with you a side of me that I barely knew existed.
Together, we ruled the world.

Our time together taught me so much,
But it is the last lesson you gave me that I hold most dear:


It is not wise to give people second chances.

-J

©

Senin, 22 Februari 2016

Adult hot Religion. - lookmybody - lookmybody

[DISCLAIMER: I promise I am in no way attempting to convert anyone to Christianity through this post. :) ]

**************************************

I'm a Christian.

It's not often that I will use that title.  I never hide the fact that I believe in  God/Jesus Christ or that I regularly attend church, but I don't often use the title of "Christian".  And it's not because I am ashamed of my beliefs, but rather that I am ashamed of the actions of those who claim to believe in the same God that I do.


Growing up "in the church", I learned to view the world through a particular lens.  However it wasn't until I started attending university that I began to learn to accept, value, and truly love others without judging their actions.  It wasn't until that I was training to become a social worker that I truly learned what it meant to be a follower of Christ.  My Jewish sociology professor said it best: "If you want to know what it means to be a good social worker, follow the example of Jesus."

Image Source
Following the example of Jesus means, among many other things, that you accept that others will not necessarily believe as you do.  They will not live their lives as you do, and they will not conform to your way of thinking.  And that is okay.  It doesn't matter if they are headed in a direction that you believe is the road the the hottest of hell fires - you love them anyways.  You guide them gently, with kind words of advice, and you lead by example.  You discourage others from passing judgement, because nobody is perfect.  You make sure that your faith in your God remains strong, so that others can look to you for guidance when they need and want it.  And most importantly, you do not force your values on anyone.  You allow them to choose their own life path.

Jesus did all those things.  See John Chapter 4.  See John Chapter 8.  See Matthew Chapters 5-7.  Even if you don't believe that Jesus was real, you have to admit that all of those qualities are desirable for anyone in a helping profession.  Or just, you know, for humans in general.

I'm not even talking about turning the other cheek, or loving people who literally sell you out to be crucified.  I'm talking about just being loving and accepting to people who believe differently than you do.  People who see life differently, who take a different path, who follow their hearts even though your belief system says that they're wrong.

You know what?  At the end of the day, "those people" are a direct reflection of whom/what they believe in.  Are you?

Image Source
xoxo, Jayy

Adult hot 11:11 - lookmybody - lookmybody


I wish I had the guts to travel the world.
The truth is, sometimes the trip out of bed in the morning is all that I can handle.
Instead having breakfast at a café by the Louvre,
I’m usually chugging back a smoothie while giving myself a pep talk to get me through the day.

Sometimes I wish for a more glamorous life,

But I will always settle for the strength to enjoy the one I have.

-J

©

Minggu, 21 Februari 2016

Adult hot 21. - lookmybody - lookmybody

The way out
Is not in the bottom of a bottle
Is not in a pill
Is not in the red rushing from your forearm, thigh, wrist.

Trust me.

Tell yourself daily,
Weekly,
Monthly,
Yearly.


This is not always an easy lesson to learn.

-J

©

Sabtu, 20 Februari 2016

Adult hot 150. - lookmybody - lookmybody

When you see the number on the scale rising higher than it ever has before,
Applaud your body’s determination to claim space in the world,
Even though you are not ready.

-J

©

Jumat, 19 Februari 2016

Rabu, 17 Februari 2016

Adult hot Eighteen. - lookmybody - lookmybody

You don’t really become an adult at eighteen.
What you become is scared little girl in big girl shoes,
Expected to make decisions that impact the rest of your life.
(Or at least that’s what I became).

When they tell you to make the choice that defines your life’s path,
Tell them you are not ready.
Take your time little one.
There is time for you to be a responsible adult,

But your youthful innocence is quickly fading.

-J

©

Adult hot 17. - lookmybody - lookmybody

I do not know the feeling of a lover’s embrace.
I do not know the fire that burns from a passionate love.
I do not know long walks on the beach, or candle-lit dinners.
I do not know how it feels to wake up beside my soulmate.
I do not know that kind of love.

But

I know the smell of my mother’s cooking at 5:30 AM so that I will have lunch to take to work.
I know my father’s tired voice as he maintains the roof over my head.
I know the laughter of friends that spans fifteen years.


So tell me, do I not know love?

-J

©

Selasa, 16 Februari 2016

Adult hot 16. - lookmybody - lookmybody

May you always have the courage to share your truth,
No matter how dark it is,
No matter how naked it leaves you,
No matter that it is the only thing you have left.

If you spend the rest of your life hiding your truth,

What will your legacy be?

-J

©

Senin, 15 Februari 2016

Adult hot Fifteen. - lookmybody - lookmybody


Depression is a relentless squatter, refusing to vacate the premises of my mind.
“Please leave,” I cry, “I will give you anything”.
So far, I have given my sanity,
My happiness,
My laughter,
My sleep,
My appetite,
My morals,
My friends,
My love,
My youth,
My faith,
My family,
My patience,
My passion,
My health,
My peace,
My mind,
My body,
My soul.
But Depression is greedy – all I have offered is not enough.

I fear that it will not be satisfied until it has swallowed me whole.

-J

©


Minggu, 14 Februari 2016

Adult hot The Greatest Love Poem of All Time. - lookmybody - lookmybody

One day,
I woke up,
And I realized
That I no longer hated myself.
That I had fallen
Head
Over
Heels
In love.
With myself.

-J


©

Sabtu, 13 Februari 2016

Adult hot Better Scared Than Sorry. - lookmybody - lookmybody

One summer when I was a kid I took swimming lessons,
I made it to level three, and then school began, and I never returned.

But I remember my last day of swimming lessons so clearly.
I was always afraid of drowning, so I never really applied myself.
I would hesitate before jumping in the pool, even with a life jacket on.

But for some reason, on that last day of swimming lessons, I went all out.
I was tired of watching the other kids jump into the deep end, so I forced myself to jump in too.

Boy was I scared, but better scared than sorry.

I pushed myself to face my fears, and I swam my little heart out.
When it came time to receive our final grades, my swimming instructor handed out every report card except mine.
She took mine to the back office, and when she returned, there was a little whiteout mark over my initial grade.
Turns out I had almost failed, but when she saw how hard I tried that day, she changed my grade.

I never finished learning to swim.


Maybe that wasn’t the lesson I was there to learn.

- J

© 

Jumat, 12 Februari 2016

Adult hot 12. - lookmybody - lookmybody

Sometimes,
The most soothing thing you can do
Is make your pain sound poetic.

It’s almost as if you can trick yourself into thinking

That it doesn’t hurt if it sounds pretty.

- J

© 

Rabu, 10 Februari 2016

Adult hot Eleven. - lookmybody - lookmybody

I used to look at you through rose coloured glasses,
But I lost them somewhere along the way.

Now when I look at you, I see a lot of red flags.

Were those there before?

- J

© 

Selasa, 09 Februari 2016

Adult hot 10. - lookmybody - lookmybody

Once I thought I was in love,
But then I got to know him and decided he wasn’t worth my time.
(He was a real ass).

It’s funny because even though I didn’t realize it then,
What I really did was decide that I valued myself more than a man ever could.


It’s funny how we can love ourselves without knowing.

- J

© 

Adult hot 9. - lookmybody - lookmybody

The weird thing about being “successful” is
That somehow the good parts never feel real.
It’s like, you have these really awesome things,
But they’re not really yours.

I am 50 shades of messed up living in a 5 star hotel.

I don’t belong here.

- J

© 

Senin, 08 Februari 2016

Adult hot 8. - lookmybody - lookmybody

“Eat more”, they told me.
“You’re too thin”, they said.
So I did, and I did, and I did, 
And the number on the scale finally rose.

“Eat less”, they told me.
“You’re too round”, they said.

So I did, and I did, and I did.

- J

© 

Minggu, 07 Februari 2016

Adult hot 7. - lookmybody - lookmybody

My soul longs for two lands.


 India.
Africa.


Truly, I do not know if I have the right to say I belong to either,
But my soul still longs for you both.
It wants to go home.

But I am not sure I am welcome there.

- J

© 

Sabtu, 06 Februari 2016

Adult hot IIIIII. - lookmybody - lookmybody

It has been six years since you left.
Many days have passed.
I tried to count them, but I couldn’t get it quite right.  You know math wasn’t my strong subject.

I may not be able to do math, but I did succeed in school. 
I got two degrees.  I put your name on both of them.  They’re yours just as much as mine.
I also got a job, and a car. 
I didn’t get a husband but I figured that would be okay with you.

Sometimes I forget that you’re gone, and I pray for you to be well.
Sometimes I forget that you’re gone, because your number is still saved on my phone.
(Every once in a while I toy with the idea of calling.)
Sometimes I forget that you’re gone, and when I remember it hurts so badly that I have to sit down and catch my breath.
It’s like there is a hole in my life that you used to fill, and every so often I fall in and can’t get out.
I’m still adjusting to a world where you’re not here.

I wish you were still here.
I wish you were still here.
I wish you were still here.

I know you do too.

- J

© 

Kamis, 04 Februari 2016

Adult hot IV. - lookmybody - lookmybody

People who have been broken and then healed are so beautiful.

When you break, and learn to heal yourself, you become invincible.

- J

© 

Rabu, 03 Februari 2016

Adult hot 3. - lookmybody - lookmybody

Do you know how many nights I have cried because I was loveless and lonely?

I wish someone had told me that you could never be alone if you would only learn to love yourself.

- J

© 

Selasa, 02 Februari 2016

Adult hot Two. - lookmybody - lookmybody

Two years ago, I wouldn’t be caught dead with my natural hair.

I mean that quite literally – I would think about my funeral, and how I’d have to leave instructions for my friends and family to ensure that my hair was flat-ironed if it was to be an open casket.

I thank God that I’ve changed.

It is because I realized – if one cannot love their most natural self at 21,

(Before they have reached the prime of their life,)

How is one to ever love themselves at 83?

I don’t want to be the old lady who laments her youth. 

I want to be the old lady who closes the photo album and then stands proudly with arms outstretched to say “if you think I was something then, just look at me now!”

- J.

© 

Senin, 01 Februari 2016

Adult hot Boxes. - lookmybody - lookmybody

I am Black.
And Blue.
From squeezing myself into the box I have been told I belong in.

My big hair and I … we do not fit.

My Blackness,
And my Indian-ness,
And my Guyanese-ness,
And my South American-ness,
And my Canadian-ness,
And I,
We do not fit.

The strong woman that I am,
And the weak woman that I am,
And the shy, scared, bold, brave women that I am,
They do not fit.

I do not like being told how to be.
I do not fit in neatly defined boxes.
I cannot be defined in 250 characters or less.
I refuse to be crammed into a size one fits all, skinny mini identity.


I do not fit.

-J

©

Adult hot Prologue. - lookmybody - lookmybody

These are the words that came tumbling out at 7:13 AM when I was barely dressed, and had to leave for work in exactly 17 minutes.
These are the words that dripped from my fingers as I raced out of the shower to catch them, while my skin dried out and my post-shower warmth faded.
These are the words that woke me up at 4:53 in the morning, begging to be released.
These are the words that I compared to the works of my idols and then deemed too unworthy to share.
These are the words that have long been silenced.


I have finally found the courage to let them be heard.


- J

©